From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
C&J’s year-in-review columns have become a “long-cherished tradition” (New York Times) and “family favorite passed down through the generations” (Washington Post). We’re always thrilled to assemble “the feel-good look-back of the year” (Bloomberg News) that “transcends time and space” (NASA), “forces humankind to take a hard look into its soul” (Christianity Today), “makes you laugh and cry in equal measure” (Variety), and “contains secret encoded liberal messages targeted at Deep State operatives so they can enact their Muslim-commie agenda” (Fox News).
But “not this year” (CNN Breaking News Desk). This year “goes right into a flaming dumpster” (Arsonist Monthly) for reasons that “should be obvious to anyone outside the Breitbart bubble” (Highlights for Children). 2017 “sucked balls” (Teabagger Digest), “fell flat on its face at the starting line” (Sports Illustrated), and “the sooner we forget about it, the better” (Amnesiac Journal).
So this year I’m “dropping a bombshell” (Military Times) by “taking a radical new approach that could set journalism back a hundred years” (Pulitzer Committee Joint Statement).
Since we never gave Barack Obama’s presidency a proper retrospective last year, I “went back through eight years of C&Js circa Jan. 2009-Jan. 2017, plucked a news niblet from each month, and added some late-night snark and the best of Pete Souza’s amazing White House photos” (HowStuffWorks.com) to create “quite possibly the feel-goodiest year-end column since Alaric I’s hilarious ‘Not So Mighty Now, Are Ya, Rome?’ in 401 AD” (Country Visigoth Living). This is part II, covering Obama’s Julys through Decembers---you can read Part I here.
Cheers and Jeers “hits the start button of your own homemade nuclear-powered wayback machine” (Popular Mechanics) below the fold... “[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]” (Fox News Sound Effects Staff Hopped Up On Red Bull)
Note: In the interests of world peace, C&J will be off Monday and Tuesday and return Wednesday for another year of homespun mediocrity delivered from a wingback chair under the Monet in the drawing room. We wish you and yorn a safe and happy New Year's holiday. Don’t forget to feed the cat. ---Mgt.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Ending the year on happy note…
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C&J Obama Years Flashback: July
2009: While conservative Catholics in the U.S. seethe, President Obama has a lovely meeting with the Pope in Vatican City. The two exchange gifts (a book on bioethics for Obama; DVDs of Sister Act and Sister Act 2 for Benedict), and then visit the Vatican cafeteria where they look for Virgin Marys in the grilled cheese sandwiches.
2010: By a vote of 60-39, the Senate overcomes Republican obstruction and passes a historic financial regulation bill that’s really popular with ordinary Americans. President Obama signs it. Length of time it takes for Republicans to start taking credit for it: 5 seconds.
2011: EPA head Lisa Jackson announces tough new clean air rules. They'll cost $800 million but save an estimated $280 billion in healthcare expenses. Republicans say the EPA is out of control with their "job-killing regulations" and propose their own clean-air plan. Step 1: reduce breathing to six days a week.
2012: Mitt Romney's trip to Britain turns into a disaster as he spills the beans about a meeting with the super-secret MI6, mislabels the United Kingdom as the "Nation of Great Britain," straps the Queen to the roof of a lorry, criticizes the Olympic organizers, forgets a bigwig's name, questions the stiffness of their upper lips, and fails to understand the hilarity of misusing the word "backside" in a land where Benny Hill made a cottage industry out of bum jokes. As Romney heads off to Israel, his followers hope and pray that he doesn’t claim that the Wailing Wall is "just the right height."
2013: The most hated and feared man in the eyes of the Republican party and their corporate overlords is approved by the Senate. Veep Joe Biden swears in Richard Cordray as the Director of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. On the breakfast menu in Scamville: Alka Seltzer.
2014: In continued good economic news, American consumers open up their wallets and spend more on "long-lasting goods like autos, appliances and furniture" and businesses spend more on technology and equipment. Democrats and independents shout "Hooray!" Republicans shout "Benghazi!"
July Late Night Snark
"The world's oldest man died. He was 113 and a leading voice of the Young Republicans."
---Bill Maher, 2009
"The Republican presidential field is an embarrassment of riches. In fact, the first two words that come to mind are 'embarrassment' and 'rich.'"
---Stephen Colbert, 2011
"According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty."
---Seth Meyers, 2014
2015: History is made when embassies in Washington and Havana, Cuba open up for the first time in 54 years, heralding a new era of relations that represents a huge win for diplomacy, commerce, and the makers of embassy bugging devices.
2016: Democrat Hillary Clinton officially becomes the first woman to be a major party's nominee for President of the United States---96 years after the 144 years women had to wait just to get the right to vote. Somewhere in the hereafter, the suffrage movement pioneers are still dumping buckets of Gatorade over each other's heads.
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August
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2009: Diabetics across America celebrate as the Senate approves the nomination of one of their own, Sonia Sotomayor, as America's next Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Hispanics are somewhat jazzed about it, too.
2010: On the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech, Glenn Beck hosts a rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. It's just like King's rally 47 years ago with one small difference: EVERYTHING.
2011: Because the Republicans in the federal government have become so destructive and unstable, Standard & Poor's downgrades America's credit rating from AAA to AA+. They also downgrade Abraham Lincoln from "Great Emancipator" to "Decent Rail Splitter" and the Statue of Liberty from "Beacon of Hope" to "$300,000 worth of harvestable copper."
2012: NASA scientists and engineers erupt in rational exuberance after learning the Mars rover Curiosity touched down on the Red Planet safe and sound. The first photos reveal dust, rocks, and another Mitt Romney tax shelter.
2013: Over 100,000 people descend on the nation's capital to commemorate the 50th-year anniversary the 1963 "March for Freedom and Jobs," which is capped by a rousing speech by President Obama---flanked by former presidents Carter and Clinton---at the Lincoln Memorial. Meanwhile, the tea party commemorates the third anniversary of Glenn Beck's 2010 "Restoring Honor" rally from their barcaloungers by trying and failing to remember a single thing about it.
2014: A report by the Republican-led House Intelligence Committee concludes there was no wrongdoing by the Obama administration before, during, or after the Benghazi attacks. For those of you keeping score, this makes 322 straight times Darrel Issa has lost an argument to intelligence.
August Late Night Snark
"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. ... Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both."
---Jay Leno, 2010
"Tonight is the vice-coronation of vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan: the man who has electrified the party base with his homespun, down-to-earth way of telling the poor to suck it up."
---Stephen Colbert, 2012
I say to you tonight, friends: the best defense against bullshit is vigilance. If you smell something, say something."
---Jon Stewart's parting words of advice before leaving The Daily Show, 2015
2015: A National Labor Relations Board ruling clears the way for contract and temporary employees to unionize. Reaction is mixed. Unions throw their hats in the air. Management throws their golf clubs in the lake.
2016: President Obama sets a record for the most sentences commuted in one day since 1900: 214 prisoners, 67 of whom are serving life sentences and most of whom have been charged with nonviolent drug crimes. Obama plans more similar acts before he leaves office, but stresses that he needs Congress to pitch in by taking decisive action with unprecedented efficiency and intelligence to revamp our criminal justice system. Witnesses say the rimshot can be heard for miles.
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September
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2009: The government reports that U.S. household income increased by two-trillion dollars in the second quarter of 2009. Unfortunately it all goes to one household---the Gladys Higginbotham residence in Dubuque. Economists agree: that was one helluva scratch ticket.
2010: President Obama appoints Elizabeth Warren as an “Assistant to the President and Special Advisor to the Secretary of the Treasury on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.” Happiest person in the world besides liberals: the guy who gets paid by the letter to stencil people's job titles on their office door.
2011: The 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy signed into law by Bill Clinton officially ceases to exist. And the military lived happily ever after. The End.
2012: The Democratic National Convention begins. Michael Moore calls the speakers "The Beatles in Charlotte." The women are great, the gay congressman is great, the black governor is great, the Latino mayor is great, the triple amputee chopper pilot and future congresswoman is great, the older woman talking about equal pay for equal work is great, the white governor is…eh, he was okay…and the first African-American First Lady's speech is as poetic as it is historic. Best of all, the diversity of the crowd resembles the diversity of those on stage. Unlike last month’s Republican convention, you can actually watch this one without sunglasses.
2013: The tea party releases its latest list of "things liberals are trying to shove down our throats." In addition to the usual socialism and Obamacare, the list includes lamps, tires and, for reasons no one can explain, crab cakes.
2014: President Obama lays out his strategy for containing the terrorist group ISIS, aka ISIL. He promises no boots on the ground, but is strangely silent on hover shoes one inch above it.
September Late Night Snark
"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85 percent finished with her book, which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book."
---Conan O'Brien, 2009
"The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river. You could smell Rick Perry’s cologne through the TV."
---David Letterman, 2011
"[Republicans] want your vote, but they don’t want you to know their plan. And that’s because all they have to offer is the same prescription they’ve had for the last thirty years. Have a surplus? Try a tax cut. Deficit too high? Try another. Feel a cold coming on? Take two tax cuts, roll back some regulations, and call us in the morning."
---President Obama at the Democratic Convention in Charlotte, 2012
2015: Pope Francis, boldly wearing white after Labor Day, arrives for a U.S. visit with a state welcome, a tour of the National Mall, a church service, and some good old-fashioned canonizin'. He addresses a joint session of Congress where he tut-tuts climate-change deniers and trickle-down economics supporters. He makes it through the whole address without a teabagger shouting "You Lie!" and deems it a certified miracle.
2016: The Labor Department announces the 87th straight month of employment growth and the unemployment rate stands at 4.9 percent. The three-month rolling average: 232,000 jobs created per month. When he hears the news, Donald Trump issues a brief statement from his penthouse: "Vote for me, and with hard work and God's blessing I will reverse this alarming trend, believe me."
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October
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2009: Months after President Obama wakes the EPA from its eight-year slumber and gives it a chance to wipe the pixie dust from its eyes, the agency announces it's taking steps to control emissions from power plants, factories and refineries; denies 79 permit applications for mountaintop-removal coal mining, citing the Clean water Act; and launches a sweeping overhaul of the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976. But they promise to work even harder on day 2.
2010: Revealed: an Ohio Republican candidate for Congress is fond of dressing up as a Waffen SS dude and taking part in re-enactments of (we presume) the famous Nazi blitzkrieg invasion of Toledo. Rich Lott is listed as one of the GOP's new rising stars in their "Young Guns" movement, but they yank his name off their web site faster than tanks rolling through Poland. Says a GOP campaign official: "We had no idea his gun was a Luger."
2011: Former half-term governor Sarah Palin runs once again from a life of public service by ruling out a presidential run. She says she called on the almighty to help guide her decision, but bowed out when God's machine kept picking up.
2012: President Obama and Mitt Romney talk foreign policy at debate #3. Obama envisions a nimble foreign policy that relies on diplomacy and innovative ways of dealing with future threats before they happen. Romney wants to bring General John Pershing back from the dead to create a fresh fleet of ironclads and deploy divisions of doughboys in saucer helmets on horseback with fixed bayonets into wherever his dart lands on the map of the Middle East, but not before making "Over There" our new national anthem. All polls show that Obama wins handily. Or as Republicans call it: a draw.
2013: President Obama nominates Jeh Johnson as the new head of the Department of Homeland Security. Among his new ideas: revamping the old color-coded terror alert system using aromas instead of colors. Green, blue, yellow, orange and red will be replaced with Peach Blossom, Mint, Dead Fish, Dog Fart, and Burning Hair.
2014: Topping the Republican leadership's latest list of threats to the health of Americans: ISIS, Ebola and Guantanamo detainees. Topping the actual list of threats to Americans' health: heart disease, traffic accidents and guns. Ironically, the current #1 health threat to the Republican base is having a heart attack after getting in a traffic accident while loading their guns in response to hearing their own ads about the threats of ISIS, ebola and Guantanamo detainees.
October Late Night Snark
"The main purpose of a recent North Korean demonstration was to introduce Kim Jong Il's new heir-apparent---his youngest son, Kim Jong Un. But don’t be deceived...his cheeks are, in fact, not chubby. He's storing up evil for the winter."
---Jon Stewart, 2010
”Former President George H.W. Bush has a new biography coming out titled Destiny and Power, while Jeb Bush has a new biography titled neither of those.”
---Seth Meyers, 2015
"I can't imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump [than Hillary], but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republicans, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I've no idea where he lost people."
---James Corden, 2016
2015: Astronomy Night at the White House is a big success. President Obama kicks off the skywatching festivities by saying, "Look! I can see a body made up of toxic gases that does nothing but sit there and spin." And then he tilts his telescope away from the Capitol building and starts skywatching.
2016: Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence says America is "in deep trouble right now." If by deep trouble he means low gas prices, low unemployment, high stock market, healthier economy than most of the world, more ethnic diversity, thriving space program, millions more with health insurance, fatter paychecks and no foreign terrorist attacks on U.S. soil during the Obama years then, yeah, we're in some deep shit.
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November
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2009: Democrats suddenly discover there's a midterm election coming up, and announce their intention to create a big jobs bill to help knock down the 10.2% unemployment rate. Among the expected national projects: roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, and President Obama's long-sought U.S.-Kenya Chunnel.
2010: On day six of his Asian tour, President Obama visits South Korea, seeing the sights and working on a trade deal. It comes on the heels of a mostly nostalgic and successful stop in Indonesia. I say "mostly" because some citizens there were skeptical---namely, "birthers" who accuse him of being a secret Christian capitalist who was born in the United States.
2011: The 99% movement enters its third month of protest by occupying public spaces around the country and working to tackle unemployment and income inequality issues. The tea party movement enters its 30th month of protest by occupying La-Z-Boys around the country and hoping no one notices that they haven't done shit about unemployment and income inequality.
2012: On Tuesday, November 6, President Barack Hussein Obama becomes the first African-American president to win re-election. Republicans immediately gather behind closed doors to figure out something to impeach him over. Darrell Issa announces that hearings on the President's old parking tickets will begin on Wednesday, November 7.
2013: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid stands up on the Senate floor and shouts, "Yippeekayay, motherfuckers!" Then he pulls the trigger on the "nuclear option" and, with 51 other members solidly behind him, effectively stops the Republicans' out-of-control obstruction of Obama’s judicial nominees. A happy bonus of the drama: it distracted the GOP so much that they completely forgot to name any roads or buildings after Ronald Reagan for a day.
2014: In what Rachel Maddow calls "the biggest change to immigration policy in 25 years," President Obama issues his long-awaited executive orders. They include increased border security and allowing millions of parents of children born here to remain in the United States if they meet certain conditions. Once Republicans finish breaking the law by paying their undocumented-immigrant groundskeepers, housekeepers and produce pickers under the table, they have a total meltdown over those scary lawbreaking brown people.
November Late Night Snark
"I hereby appoint myself the president's Tell-People-Where-to-Go-and-What-to-Kiss Czar. Fox News, if you want an exclusive: pucker up!"
---Wanda Sykes, 2009
Clip of Bill O'Reilly: Traditional America as we knew it is gone. Ward, June, Wally and the Beav…outta here.
Jon Stewart: Yes, Bill. Obama's re-election marked the moment that traditional America ended; the moment when the family from the 1950s sitcom Leave It To Beaver ceased to be real.
---The Daily Show, 2012
"After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that 'Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.' While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare."
---Jimmy Fallon, 2014
2015: After trouncing the conservatives in the latest elections, liberal Justin Trudeau is sworn in as Canada's 23rd prime Minister and makes history by appointing an equal number of men and women to his cabinet. He also says that his administration will be "based on trust and teamwork that delivers evidence-based policy.” In other words: Sorry, Canada, no creationism museum for you.
2016: Renewable energy---specifically solar and wind---overtakes coal as "the largest source of cumulative installed power capacity worldwide." Republicans insist that the occasion be marked by lowering all flags to half-staff.
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December
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2009: Less than 24 hours after President Obama holds a "Jobs Summit," news breaks that the unemployment rate has fallen two-tenths of a percent. The White House is so excited that they immediately schedule a Jobs Conference, Jobs Roundtable, Jobs Gaggle, Jobs Bazaar, Jobs Meet-Up, Jobs Huddle, Jobs Amish Barn-raising, Jobs Broadway Production Number, Jobs Pootie Diary, Jobs Sleigh Ride, Jobs Flash Mob, and Jobs Canasta Tournament in Joe Biden's Living Room.
2010: On a single day, President Obama signs Congress’s repeal of the 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy, the START arms control treaty is ratified, the 9/11 responders get their supplemental medical care, a food safety bill gets the green light, Senate Democrats pledge to partially de-fang the filibuster, and Obama holds a news conference to remind us again how truly great it is to have a president who speaks in complete sentences. What a bunch of slackers.
2011: The Obama administration's EPA enacts historic new regulations on mercury and acid emissions from coal-fired power plants. Just as freshwater bass were getting used to their sixth eyeball.
2012: Exactly one month after Obama gets re-elected, the National Christmas Tree gets lit. But not quite as lit as Republicans get in a hopeless attempt to forget that Obama got re-elected exactly one month ago.
2013: The revamped Affordable Care Act web site is greeted with cheers as it works better, smarter and faster. Paul Krugman exclaims: "In short, the crisis is over---for Obama and the Democrats. It’s just beginning for the Republicans." The most popular plan is the one that offers free in-hospital-room Spice Channel and complimentary wings and beer at death panel appointments.
2014: With third-quarter GDP at five percent, creation of 321,000 new jobs in a month, a historic resumption of ties between Cuba and the United States, record Obamacare enrollments, dozens of judicial confirmations, a new Surgeon General, a shrinking deficit, the Dow flirting with 18,000, calling only on women during his last 2014 press conference, pissing off Michele Bachmann at the White House Christmas party by being nice to her, guest-hosting on The Colbert Report, announcing new protections for Bristol Bay, officially ending the war in Afghanistan, and watching John Boehner commit an unforced error by having to deal with his newly-sprung-up white-supremacist and convicted-felon caucuses, Barack Obama owns the month. Sorry, Santa.
December Late Night Snark
"This Christmas season Americans are facing 9.8 percent unemployment. And the only chestnuts they want to see roasting on an open fire are the ones attached to Wall Street bankers."
---Stephen Colbert, 2010
"I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president. I didn’t realize how easy that would be. I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president. I want to see all the different presidents."
---Darryl, on The Office, 2011
President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it: "Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba."
---Conan O'Brien, 2013
2015: The Obama administration announces a huge new rule that will contribute significantly to curbing toxic emissions in this country. From now on, Donald Trump's mouth will be duct-taped.
2016: Nancy Pelosi is given another term as House minority leader. Meanwhile, history is made when Rep. Linda Sanchez (CA) is voted vice chair of the House Democratic Caucus---the first woman of color elected to a leadership post in a congressional caucus. She gets a key to the executive restroom, a better parking spot, and is now third in line to yell "You lie!" during Trump's first speech to Congress.
Have a great weekend and a happy new year! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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